By Hank Pellissier
“Jesus was resurrected so now they eat him. Cryonics folks are going to resurrect, too, just like Jesus. Put 2 + 2 together. Jesus tastes delicious to wafer-eating cannibals, so they’re thinking, cryonic resurrectors = yummy!”
Anthropophagusaphobia. That’s my anxiety disorder. Fear of cannibals. I’m mentally ill about getting eaten. It’s an evolutionary throw-back risk-adverse gene linked to short serotonin transporter 5-HTTLPR. I fainted watching a UCLA student production of The Bacchae in 1987. I avoid small children and women with large teeth and strong mandibles. Of course, I understand, logically, that ordinary people don’t want to subsume me, but I do take sensible precautions.
For example, I avoid the northern heavily-timbered states. Terrible eating orgies often occur in pine forests. The upper Midwest is exceptionally scary. Ancestral homeland of the Chippewa, who roasted and devoured their foes. I know that practice was replaced by gambling, but the area remains rife with new concerns.
Michigan is where the Cryonics Institute is located, in the small suburb of Clinton Township. CI contains a cryonics “bank” where 106 humans and 76 pets are happily vitrified. I’d love to join them, perfusing Rip van Winkley in a cryostat of liquid nitrogen, suspended sic fi style, numb’s the word. I’d love to chill with the immortals, but I can’t have my hibernating, zombie flesh-bag there because it’s major cannibal country. My meat would get masticated. Fangs, slobber, gnash, gulp.
There’s five separate ways the cannibals will devour me if I get deep-freezed at CI:
#1 Eucharist Cults. There’s 2.065 million Catholics in Michigan and all of them are potential cannibals. They eat their messiah’s flesh at church, okay, they just “pretend” but they love it and some of them are gonna go “rogue” someday because the wafers won’t satisfy forever. They’re going to want the real deal, with salt and vinegar. Michael Moore is a Catholic, for example, and he’s big. He looks like he already ate me. Michigan Catholics — I’ve thought this through — who are they going to eat first? Cryonics folks. Yes, here’s why. Jesus was resurrected so now they eat him. Cryonics folks are going to resurrect, too, just like Jesus. Put 2 + 2 together. Jesus tastes delicious to wafer-eating cannibals, so they’re thinking, cryonic resurrectors = yummy! Catholic cannibal cults will be armed with small pistols disguised as crucifixes when they burst into CI and start munching on the meat. It’ll be raw and cold but they won’t care. Cannibals is cannibals.
#2 Madonna’s home town. The Material Girl went to high school near CI, in Rochester Hills, just 24.3 miles away. So what, you snort. I say, you lack foresight. You need to think like the enemy. Did you see her movie, Truth or Dare? Odds are excellent that some teenagers from Ms. Ciccone’s alma mater are going to watch Truth or Dare and get messed up on cheap smart drugs like nicotine gum and HGH and then they’ll dare each other with increasing sickness until finally the challenge is going to be munchies at CI. They’ll drive quickly through the night — mapquest’s estimated time is 37 minutes via the M-59. Arriving there, one of the teens will be a decoy slut. She’ll give the CI guard a slow handjob while the other giggling teens, tweaking on Piracetim now, slip inside with grapefruit spoons and jab through the membrane of my neocortex. Penetrating the soft interior of my left occipital lobe, they’ll scoop and swallow it like tapioca.
#3 Wolverine Returns. The Michigan state animal is Wolverine — taxonomic title is Gulo Gulo, meaning “glutton” — an ominous warning. Wolverine is a horrendous beast, an insane, giant weasel. Biologists say the state’s last wolverine died in the snow in the Minden Bog, 90.01 miles north of CI in 2010. But right now, I’m sure, at the U of Michigan in Ann Arbor where wolverine is mascot, they’re cloning it’s DNA, a monster mustelid is gestating in a hairy artificial womb full of mink blood. Scientists are talking to George Dvorsky, the Canadian transhumanist who wants to “uplift” animals so they’re super-intelligent. The evil plan is to make a Brain-Enhanced Wolverine for the cheerleading squad. This fat fucked-up otter will be a vicious mistake, angry, alienated. Mr. Dvorsky is safe, far away in Toronto, so Mr. Wolverine will extract revenge on the nearest transhumanists he can find, in CI, 70.43 miles away. Mutant wolverine runs there on his claws, he devours the guard that got the hand job, he smacks opens the cooling boxes, he snacks on residents. He’s going to eat me, barf me up, and shit on me, all at the same time.
#4 Fish Food. Asian carp are invading, up the Mississippi River, into Lake Michigan. You think they’re koi pond cute, but they’re big-ass fish, Sumo size, four feet long, 100 pounds, with an amazing skill — they can leap 8-10 feet into the air. In ten years the carp will be finning just 800 meters away from CI, in Lake St. Clair. Seven carp will be highly intelligent, but Dvorsky didn’t do it, he’s too busy with wolverine. The seven brainy carp are ninja artilect ‘droid, fashioned by Hugo de Garis at Wuhan and Xiamen universities. When a big flood arrives in springtime the Chinese robocarp will stealthily swim up the streets. Someone at CI will accidentally leave a bathroom window open, to let out the fecal air. The distance from water-to-window is an easy jump for the “carptilects.” Whooosh! Inside, they indulge in scaly sabotage. The carp destroy American cryo-knowledge. They ransack the lab; eat the tubing; eat the operating manuals; and finally, they nibble on me like I’m a flat flake of nori.
#5 Jeffrey Dahmer Copy Cat. Last, worst, and most inevitably, is the fact that there’s going to soon be a mimic of the Milwaukee modern cannibal, Jeffrey Dahmer, who killed, ate, and necrophiliac-fornicated with 17 men and boys from 1978-1991. The twisted chocolate factory employee was an unspeakably evil proto-transhumanist, an ersatz aborted son of Dr. Frankenstein. Dahmer tried to transform his victims into submissive slave zombies by drilling holes into their still-living skulls and injecting hydrochloric acid into the frontal lobes of their brains with a huge syringe. He also stored their segmented body parts (hearts, penises) in acid-filled vats and freezers. My point is this. When Dahmer copy-cats arrive, where will they feel right at home? With equipment and flesh to experiment with? Answer: at CI, just 254.63 miles away. No need for Dahmer mimics to “reinvent the wheel.” There’s excellent gizmos at the cryonics center to play with and human food just sitting around to be snacked on.
To conclude, for Anthropophagusaphobes like me, CI’s location is unsuitable; it’s an epicenter of future cannibalism. I contacted the Advisory Board of Lifeboat Foundation to warn them. I haven’t given up on the immortalist plan, though. I’m checking out KrioRus in Moscow. It’s intimate, just 17 humans, 7 pets; and it’s cheap, only 10,000 euros for a brain freeze. Unfortunately, I’m concerned, again, about the surroundings. Just eight kilometers away, on May 7, Moscow police captured Nikolai Sharin before dinner. He was cooking his friend’s liver… with potatoes.