By Dolphy Hipler
I guess it all started about a year ago. As part of my duties tracking conspiracy sites for my Illuminati Masters, I started noticing that Alex Jones was ranting more and more frequently against the transhumanists and singularitarians.
Now, my job with Illuminati Central is fairly simply. I track the conspiracy sites and warn the Illuminated Ones if anyone is getting to close to the truth as I understand it.
The illuminati’s plans — under constant revision — are conveyed to plebian members such as I every June at a week long Tantric DMT reorientation workshop held in Bavaria, soon after the Illuminated Ones return from that big Bilderberger shebang that they seem to enjoy so much. Every year, it’s the same thing: they come bearing tales. Once again, they were amazed at the size of Kissinger’s schlong. Once again, they laughed so much they shat while bowling on acid with the frozen head of Dr. Leary. Once again, Sandra Day O’Conner told that same damn story about eating cow balls, which they then insisted on repeating word for word for our “benefit.” Blah blah blah.
Well, it’s all jolly until you have to ingest curare and lie in a casket for 24 hours. “If a Bush can do it, anybody can!” they always tell us. They don’t mention that John Kerry died during his initiation. They just assume we can’t tell.
Anyway, at some point, the Alex Jones rants started to bother me. It wasn’t that it was at all close to the Secret Plans as I understood them. Far from it. But what if Jones was right? What if it was all true? What if the Illuminati Masters weren’t really plotting to bring about a hedonic paradise on earth for all sentient beings, like that nice Dr. Benway promised me at that Virtual Reality party back in ‘91? What if, in fact, they were simply brainwashing us now so we would march submissively to our deaths, all the while thinking that we were uploading our brains into a cool-ass pornographic adventure game? I couldn’t stop wondering. It became an obsession. I wanted to know the truth. I was willing, even, to risk the wrath of the Illuminated Ones to find out.
I sent message after message to my handler, begging her to pass it up the chain to the Perfect One — The Master Of All Masters — he who we dare not speak of but who some call Kurzweil 9.0. It got so I was sending her 8, 9, even 10 notes a day — long notes disguised as official reports so that she would have to open them, speculating about the horrific possibilities that were tormenting my mind.
Then, one day, just as I was about to inject my daily dose of dep-Testosterone, my cell rang. It was not the usual ringtone. It was the Master Of All Masters ringing me up with the secret code: “Oy ve! Oy ve! Oy ve! Oy ve! Oy….” Excitedly, I pressed receive. “This is Hipler,” I said, hoping that my voice would not betray too much fear. “Hipler,” the jovial voice responded. “How the heck are ya? This is Kurzweil Nine. What’s the haps?” “Did you get my notes about Alex Jones?” I managed to squeak out. “Sure. Sure. Read enough of them to get the gist. Listen, Hipler, don’t worry about Jones. Jones is one of ours. Him and that creepy Icke fellah. Icky Iche, I call ‘im. He pouts so. Say, you ever notice how a Brit will always overreact to an insult unless you also call ‘im a cunt? Like if I say, ‘Icky Iche, ya cunt,’ then it’s all friendly jesting and ‘Hey, let’s head down to the pub and ‘ave a session.’”
I was starting to get impatient. Why was The Master Of All Masters making with the small talk when I had serious matters to discuss? As if he were reading my mind, Kurzweil Nine said, “Anyway, sorry for the small talk. It gets lonely down here underneath the Denver Airport; no one to talk to but those creepy giant grey insects. Plus, the second you let your guard down and start really saying what you feel, they’re literally 11 inches up your ass. I mean, human vulnerability really makes ‘em hot!
“Look. Here’s the scoop, Hipler. Jones and Icke are Illuminati Disinformation agents. In fact, their function is so obvious I would have figured even you would figure it out, not to get insulting. They make conspiracy theory look so absurd, so bizarre, so unattractive that no sane, talented investigative journalist will go anywhere near it. I mean, you know the drill. The Pentagon Papers. The Church Committee after Watergate. Iran-Contra. LIBOR. All just the tip of the iceberg and, as you know, there were a few others that were never revealed — legitimate conspiracies, some of them not even under our control! I mean, who the hell knows what the Queen and that LaRouche asshole are up to? And… is there something not quite right with that whole 9/11 thing? How the hell would I know?… what with Jones and Icke riling up all those new age ditzes… no sane investigative journalist wants to be associated with that.
You know, Hipler, sometimes our agents work a little bit too hard and it only causes problems. In fact, why don’t you take a breather? Come visit me under Denver. I could use some company. Oh, by the way, that’s an order. And bring Vaseline.