Sep 30 2012

Shocking Shocker! Alex Jones & David Icke Are Illuminati Disinfo Agents!

""){ ?> By Dolphy Hipler


I guess it all started about a year ago.  As part of my duties tracking conspiracy sites for my Illuminati Masters, I started noticing that Alex Jones was ranting more and more frequently against the transhumanists and singularitarians. 

Now, my job with Illuminati Central is fairly simply.  I track the conspiracy sites and warn the Illuminated Ones if anyone is getting to close to the truth as I understand it.

The illuminati’s plans — under constant revision — are conveyed to plebian members such as I every June at a week long Tantric DMT reorientation workshop held in Bavaria, soon after the Illuminated Ones return from that big Bilderberger shebang that they seem to enjoy so much.  Every year, it’s the same thing: they come bearing tales.  Once again, they were amazed at the size of Kissinger’s schlong.  Once again, they laughed so much they shat while bowling on acid with the frozen head of Dr. Leary.  Once again, Sandra Day O’Conner told that same damn story about eating cow balls, which they then insisted on repeating word for word for our “benefit.”  Blah blah blah.

Well, it’s all jolly until you have to ingest curare and lie in a casket for 24 hours.  “If a Bush can do it, anybody can!” they always tell us. They don’t mention that John Kerry died during his initiation.  They just assume we can’t tell.

Anyway, at some point, the Alex Jones rants started to bother me.  It wasn’t that it was at all close to the Secret Plans as I understood them.  Far from it.  But what if Jones was right? What if it was all true?  What if the Illuminati Masters weren’t really plotting to bring about a hedonic paradise on earth for all sentient beings, like that nice Dr. Benway promised me at that Virtual Reality party back in ‘91?  What if, in fact, they were simply brainwashing us now so we would march submissively to our deaths, all the while thinking that we were uploading our brains into a cool-ass pornographic adventure game?   I couldn’t stop wondering. It became an obsession. I wanted to know the truth.  I was willing, even, to risk the wrath of the Illuminated Ones to find out.

I sent message after message to my handler, begging her to pass it up the chain to the Perfect One — The Master Of All Masters — he who we dare not speak of but who some call Kurzweil 9.0.  It got so I was sending her 8, 9, even 10 notes a day — long notes disguised as official reports so that she would have to open them, speculating about the horrific possibilities that were tormenting my mind.

Then, one day, just as I was about to inject my daily dose of dep-Testosterone, my cell rang.  It was not the usual ringtone.  It was the Master Of All Masters ringing me up with the secret code:  “Oy ve! Oy ve!  Oy ve!  Oy ve! Oy….”  Excitedly, I pressed receive.  “This is Hipler,” I said, hoping that my voice would not betray too much fear.  “Hipler,” the jovial voice responded. “How the heck are ya?  This is Kurzweil Nine.  What’s the haps?”  “Did you get my notes about Alex Jones?” I managed to squeak out.  “Sure. Sure.  Read enough of them to get the gist.  Listen, Hipler, don’t worry about Jones.  Jones is one of ours.  Him and that creepy Icke fellah.  Icky Iche, I call ‘im.  He pouts so.  Say, you ever notice how a Brit will always overreact to an insult unless you also call ‘im a cunt?  Like if I say, ‘Icky Iche, ya cunt,’ then it’s all friendly jesting and ‘Hey, let’s head down to the pub and ‘ave a session.’”

I was starting to get impatient.  Why was The Master Of All Masters making with the small talk when I had serious matters to discuss?  As if he were reading my mind, Kurzweil Nine said, “Anyway, sorry for the small talk.  It gets lonely down here underneath the Denver Airport; no one to talk to but those creepy giant grey insects. Plus, the second you let your guard down and start really saying what you feel, they’re literally 11 inches up your ass.  I mean, human vulnerability really makes ‘em hot!

“Look. Here’s the scoop, Hipler.  Jones and Icke are Illuminati Disinformation  agents.  In fact, their function is so obvious I would have figured even you would figure it out, not to get insulting.  They make conspiracy theory look so absurd, so bizarre, so unattractive that no sane, talented investigative journalist will go anywhere near it.  I mean, you know the drill.  The Pentagon Papers.  The Church Committee after Watergate.   Iran-Contra.  LIBOR. All just the tip of the iceberg and, as you know, there were a few others that were never revealed  — legitimate conspiracies, some of them not even under our control!  I mean, who the hell knows what the Queen and that LaRouche asshole  are  up to?  And… is there something not quite right with that whole 9/11 thing?  How the hell would I know?… what with Jones and Icke riling up all those new age ditzes… no sane investigative journalist  wants to be associated with that.

You know, Hipler, sometimes our agents work a little bit too hard and it only causes problems.  In fact, why don’t you take a breather? Come visit me under Denver.  I could use some company.  Oh, by the way, that’s an order. And bring Vaseline.




  • By Rachel Haywire, October 1, 2012 @ 7:39 pm

    This is brilliant.

  • By Stivan 777, October 2, 2012 @ 6:56 am

    Love it!

  • By Singularity Utopia, October 11, 2012 @ 1:48 am

    LOL, loving it. Someone should send it as a news tip to infowars.

  • By chris, January 14, 2013 @ 6:27 pm

    Really interesting. I used to listen to his radio show.but after a while it kinda was odd and not making sense. Like how he talks about stuff that almost every conspiracy theorists already knew. He never went deep like real top secret stuff.. and on his show and website he’s always having stuff to sell.. like for the apocalypse seeds for a patch to survive for 3 ninths. And sell them for 80$.. and other stupid shit…

  • By Anthony, July 30, 2013 @ 9:35 pm

    Had the feeling. It seems like AJ’s regurgitated mumbo-jumbo is starting to be hard to swallow for some people.

    As for David Icke, he totally looks like a reptilian.

    Besides all of this its not the Illuminati or the Reptiles you have to worry about. There’s a top secret society much much higher than the Illuminati that really controls everything. When all the false organizations such as the Illuminati fall due to the American “citizens'” so called “revolution” they’ll step up and take over.

  • By mary, August 25, 2013 @ 1:12 pm

    I started to suspect both Jones and Icke when it was revealed that Jones accessed the BOHO GROVE. Highly impossible. Also, where do they get their information. Perhaps the most telling and chilling evidence is that have made MILLIONS off the minions.

  • By Heatblizzard, August 26, 2013 @ 6:43 am

    I don’t think either of them are truthful especially the person doing that supposed *phone call*.

    A real person seeking truth after in awakening period wouldn’t respond in such a cussing attitude and be talking about *beer* a lot knowing the dangers of negative words and how they can influence others.

    Sorry but it sounds fake to me. The phone call likely was real but attempts at awakening were not.

    Now please excuse me while I go get my hard hat on for the oncoming flames.

  • By NOT A SHEEP, September 19, 2013 @ 9:09 pm


  • By Asisi Benson, October 9, 2013 @ 1:30 pm

    Hi would like to join illuminati can you educate me more steps of becoming a fully member of the great illuminati. Email

  • By Marc, October 12, 2013 @ 5:07 pm

    Wow are all u guys that stupid to believe this shit? This is a bunch of made of crap that even a child could tell is all bull. You are all gullible dumb asses.

  • By Dirk, February 12, 2014 @ 10:01 pm

    I just posted to David Icke’s Facebook page. Ready for the laughs.

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